96 – She fixes relationships: Tom interviews Rhoberta Shaler

Episode 096 – Rhoberta Shaler
[00:00:09] Welcome to Screw the Commute. The entrepreneurial podcast dedicated to getting you out of the car and into the money, with your host, lifelong entrepreneur and multimillionaire, Tom Antion.

[00:00:24] Hey everybody it's Tom here with episode 96 of screw the commute podcast we've got a lady here that I've known for a long time awesome lady her name is Rhoberta Shaler and you need your relationship fixed she's the bomb and even the United States Marines have sought her help to fix their relationships so we'll get to her in a few minutes. Now the last episode was ninety five Orrin Checkmate Hudson. This guy is a chess champion and a former state policeman and also gang member who put those two together and he teaches kids the game of life through the game of chess. And so a very interesting story for him. Check that out some other time. That was the last episode 95. Now our podcast app is in the iTunes store or you can just simply go to screwthecommute.com/app and it will show you how to use it and how to download it. Then all the cool things that we'll do if you had it on your phone or your tablet you take us with you. Now we are starting a youth program. We're going to feature once a month a youth and when I say youth that's up to early 20s. If it's you know a young person much older than that they might be a candidate for our regular podcast but we're really looking to highlight entrepreneurial youth and feature them on an episode. If you know anybody you can have them e-mail me at orders@antion.com and I'll tell them what they have to do to apply to get featured. All right. Today's sponsor is the distance learning school the internet marketing training center of Virginia. Don't even think about retraining yourself or sending your kids to college until you check out our webinar on higher education. And be prepared to be mad. These colleges are doing some really low things low life type things to you and your young people putting them under crushing debt and giving them a crap education and charging out the wazoo. So watch that webinar at screwthecommute.com/webinars or you can just click on free webinars and the navigation bar.

[00:02:47] All right let's get to the main event. Rhoberta Shaler is a PhD and she's called the Relationship Help Doctor. She's a relationship consultant mediator and speaker who provides urgent and ongoing care for relationships in crisis. And she does that around the world. Rhoberta empowers people to recognize emotional abuse and stop tolerating it and reclaim their lives. She's the author of 16 books. Wow. And hosts two podcasts and a popular YouTube channel that has over 200,000 views. Guess what. She does it all from home. She screws the commute and works from home. Rhoberta Are you ready to screw the commute again.

[00:03:33] I'm always ready for that.

[00:03:36] Boy it's been a long time since we've caught up. So tell everybody what you've been doing.

[00:03:41] Well one of the big things that I did was give up 1200 square feet of office a year and a half ago almost two years ago and happily gave myself a huge raise by doing that. So mainly what I'm really involved in is my podcast my membership my YouTube channel and my private clients. And then around and around that goes.

[00:04:06] How did you work for the Marines. How did that work. Is it for. You know with their home life being so strained by being away in Afghanistan all that stuff or what.

[00:04:16] No actually it was teaching them to play nicely together at work.

[00:04:21] Oh you know don't shoot each other you.

[00:04:24] Well you know they there are so many different things in the Marines who have enlisted people and retired people and people who have never been in the Marines and then excluded managers and all kinds of things. So helping them to learn how to talk to one another and to be respectful and to get things done. That's what I was helping them with mostly.

[00:04:48] Was that a hard thing with all these bad ass you know Marines butting heads. Was that extra hard job.

[00:04:58] Well I think that in any military force people are taught to be forceful and so they learn to communicate in those ways and so when they get a little bit of power sometimes it doesn't go well.

[00:05:15] So in other words yes it was a little harder than the average job. Take us back. How did you get your start. Did you ever have a job and how did that go.

[00:05:29] Oh yes I did tom. I had a job. I certainly I had a job when I was young but eventually I found myself on my own with three children and I needed to have a job that had the same hours that that was. So I worked in the school system for 28 years while I was developing my own practice and all my entrepreneurial ventures on the side. And then when my youngest had been on his own for two years I had promised myself that OK. That's the end of that. Right in the middle of the school year I said bye bye. And I was done. And then I moved to the United States from Canada and started my entrepreneurial career as a speaker which is when you and I met.

[00:06:19] Remind me about that. I hardly ever think backwards and I'm trying to think how I met you.

[00:06:26] Oh we met at the Seattle National Speakers Association and I sponsored your very first butt camp.

[00:06:37] Okay. So yeah I mean all is everything that people think of lying all the time because I never think backwards and it's like that was like for an Internet guy that was 2000 years ago.

[00:06:50] And it was it was nineteen ninety eight ninety nine.

[00:06:53] I'm so far over the hill Rhoberta I can't remember going up the hill. So well we must to hit it off because I've always thought highly of you and. And we've crossed paths a little bit since then but but. So you just chucked it in the middle of the school year what did the kids think what the superintendent say where did Rhoberta go.

[00:07:18] Well I had been training people throughout the province of British Columbia on behalf of the teachers federation. I was very well placed politically in terms of being a teacher. And so when I said I'm out of here I had friends who help me buy back pensions all kinds of things that one would do. And I was under a lot of stress. So they knew that already. So they just helped me mitigate circumstances in my favor.

[00:07:49] Explain that term buyback pension. What do you mean by that.

[00:07:52] Well I was going to be leaving before the mandated amount of time. I had had a couple of years where I had had time off and I needed to buyback that pension so that it would accrue and count for my pension because I wasn't going to stay in the school system until I retired. So I had to do a few things to take care of myself but I did that and it all worked well. And then I was gone.

[00:08:20] What was that kind of a almost a 28 years right. And was that kind of a culture shock to you.

[00:08:28] No it wasn't because I've been speaking on weekends doing trade shows on weekends I've written books.

[00:08:33] Oh so weren't just sitting at home.

[00:08:37] Oh no no no. And by that time I owned a retreat center. So I was teaching every evening and every weekend at the retreat center as well as running it plus a full time job.

[00:08:48] Wow. Yes. So you were you were very busy so I guess it was a relief to not get in.

[00:08:54] Well it was that I did the whole thing. I sold the retreat center to like brand new. I'm out of here. I gave it at the office. You know I said I'm going to have a good life.

[00:09:06] So by buying back this pension thing. So you were you had money coming in then right when you quit then from this.

[00:09:16] Nothing zero.

[00:09:21] So that's pretty risky. You didn't seem like a gigantic risk taker to me but that seems pretty risky.

[00:09:28] Well it was what I promised myself then I already knew that I could earn a living speaking. Because I've been doing it on weekends. So I didn't really see it as a huge risk. I saw it as a very welcome change and a promise kept to myself that I did not have to do it anymore. Do you know to get up in the morning and go somewhere. I really didn't want to go even though I was good at it. I was principal of the school for heaven's sake.

[00:10:01] The kids are sitting there waiting for the announcements. Hey where's the announcements today. I don't know. She left I think. So are you a Canadian citizen.

[00:10:14] I have dual citizenship now.

[00:10:18] Because I was just talking to another Canadian and they said wow back in the old days it was easy. But now there's it's a big hassle for them to get their visa renewed. So I guess it's tougher now.

[00:10:30] Well I came to the United States in 1998 and I became a citizen in 2008.

[00:10:37] So so being a citizen. But she's not a citizen. This other lady. And she's just been getting 10 year visas. I guess they call them and it's tougher now.

[00:10:49] Well I did the whole thing. I'm a good girl.

[00:10:55] So what advice would you give somebody now you've been in business for quite a while. What are some of the tips you would give big overriding tips to people that say you know what I'd like to chuck my job in and get out there and be be working for myself. What are the things you've learned by being in business.

[00:11:14] Well first of all I would do what I did. I would have a cross over time you know learn what kind of entrepreneurial thing you're going to do get good at it do the studying try it out so that you knew exactly what you were going to do when you left. I think that's the best case scenario. Secondly have a cushion of funds in order to do it. You know certainly there is. And when people are forced into this situation they may not have a cushion but you have the opportunity to do that if you're choosing it. So by all means take the tension out of it. Be as prepared as you can ramp up to it and then have enough funds to allow yourself to play with it for a year because if you don't know what you're going through and you don't have a narrow niche you're going to have trouble ramping up quickly.

[00:12:11] For sure. So what do you like best about working for yourself and what's the worst part.

[00:12:16] The best part is that The boss never gets too angry at me. The worst part is that when the day comes needs a bill there's nobody to turn to. It's all me you know. But everything in between. It's all quite doable and it's all very exciting. I mean what I do Tom I've been doing this basically for 35 years on the side and then the last 20 doing it on my own as an entrepreneur. Every day. Still what gets me up in the morning floats my boat flips my skirt and that's what you can do when you're an entrepreneur. You can choose that. Narrow the niche that allows you to do exactly what you want to do every day. And of course it's going to be 20 percent of the things you don't want to do but you have to be them anyway.

[00:13:09] I never I never heard Rhoberta that term flip your skirt. I think that would get me in trouble say can I flip your skirt.

[00:13:21] No no Tom. Don't even try.

[00:13:25] Wow. So the bad part. Like you know we hear this a lot is it is that the money part that you've got to keep going you got to keep going and a lot of things we do online we create residual income. So that's something that people can't we help people concentrate on so that they get sick or get tired or just feel like not working. This week the bills keep coming. So the money needs to keep coming to tell us about all these books you've written. Are they all roughly the same relationship topics or various topics or what.

[00:13:58] Well they're all our relationship topics. These are the relationship with yourself or with other humans. But the last three or four of the last four. Are about dealing with difficult people. A couple of dealing with passive aggression but then we're seeing a very very growing and troublesome trend. We're seeing and the research supports that we're seeing more and more people who are behaving badly in terms of having tendency pattern traits cycles of people with personality disorders. So they may not have diagnosable personality disorders you know as you said my PhD is in psychology so I know a lot about that. They may not be diagnosable but they have these patterns traits and cycles. So what I did was I saw the need to create a non clinical term so I trademarked the term that describes all of that And the term is hijackals because these are people who hijack the relationships for their own purposes and then they proceed to relentlessly scavenge them for power for status and for control so I have this hijackal firm which is becoming more and more popular. I now get things from people who say well I was hijackaled the other day. I've never thought of using it that way.

[00:15:29] You know they turned Google into a verb.

[00:15:34] Exactly. So you know helping people understand that and that's why I was talking about a very narrow deep niche. So everything that I do is focused on that. So the last books are about that escaping the hijackal trap. Stop that crazy making how to quit playing the passive aggressive game. So many things Kaizen for couples that's the book in which I put everything that I basically help couples have is their underlying strategies and ways to improve their relationships. So for most of the book are dealing with how to play nicely together the last words on these difficult people the hijackals that I mentioned are really what you have to think about as to am I in that relationship which is why my mission is to help people recognize and stop tolerating emotional abuse that you're in it. That's how you got into it. And then the next piece is what do I want to do with it and that answer is different for everybody because of the stage that you're at the age of your children you know the severity of the situation. So I provide a lot of things. You know you're talking about passive income. Well I have courses I have a membership site I have the YouTube channel that's monetized. I know many many ways that people can get the basic information before they come to work with me one of one so they can optimize their time but all of these are passive income streams leading to working with me directly.

[00:17:17] Where do they find these.

[00:17:20] Well my My website is forrelationshiphelp.com.

[00:17:22] We'll have that in the show notes. A wide variety of people could find something for them for them in there. Because you talked about Marines and the workplace stuff I imagine there's relationships on there so. So it covers a wide range.

[00:17:50] The podcasts are there too you know currently I have two. One is called emotional savvy. The relationship help show. That's mostly interviews. And then I have another one called Save your sanity help for handling hajackals. And that's also carried on the mental health news radio network. So there's great help there. At no cost that people can access. And when you go to forrelationshiphelp.com you'll see you can go directly there and is like listen to right on the Web site and then the YouTube channel has the same name forrelationshiphelp that's easy to find.

[00:18:32] Yeah. That's that's really great. And something that you said that I kind of resonate with is that if you knew about my consumer advocate work and my anti scam work I have a show in development in Hollywood called scam brigade. Yeah people can look at the trailer at scambrigade.com but a lot of the bad people the scammers the fraudulent people especially in the speaking industry they're non diagnosable as the term you just used because they don't want to be diagnosed. But I had people with similar credentials to you that had said Oh yeah I mean I can't claim that they're this but they got narcissistic personality disorder sociopath. You know they're chameleons they're professional level con people. And so I wrote an article the other top 20 seminar scams you know how you can get robbed at a seminar. And that's one of the reasons I don't speak so much anymore because I want to take a shower everybody's on stage lying bigger than the next person.

[00:19:36] Oh I absolutely Agree. And you know you and I went through a time together When everything that we were learning to do in the Internet world. I came away saying that exact thing. I need to take a shower. You know do it this way. No I won't do it that way. No.

[00:19:55] Exactly. And it's still that way. Times a thousand. You know since those days when we first started. So that's another reason I started my school is because it's a totally unregulated industry. And so you know what I'm going to set myself apart I went through three years to get the license. Background checks bonding surety bonds all the financial checks everything because people just say anything they want and they just make it all up there. You know they're broke. Driving broken down Pintos and telling you how to get rich you know and that's it's just over and over and over.

[00:20:30] Well you know Tom this further that so people really understand how many people do you know and of course the rhetorical who has put something out there that I can teach you to make a million dollars doing such and such. And you know when you investigate it they were planning to make their million dollars by telling you how to make a million dollars because they never made a million dollars in their life.

[00:20:56] Right. And you know it's even more insidious than that. See I was one of the first people to actually show actual sales figures to people when they come to my retreat center. And nowadays that's been bastardized in that though some people will just photoshop and pretend and just put this out there as their income. But the more insidious way Rhoberta is they say we made two hundred thousand dollars in five weeks with this product. But what they don't tell you is that they paid affiliate commissions and they they spent a quarter of a million on pay per click to lose fifty thousand dollars because they only pulled in two hundred thousand so they really lost money and they're going to make it up because you're a sucker reading that kind of sales copy. They actually did bring in two hundred thousand but that's not the whole story.

[00:21:48] Exactly. And you know there's another thing while we're on this. That's here field now. But I say things about the difference that people really need to notice. You know I have a doctorate in psychology. I paid my dues. I've done the work to be a coach. You just decide you are one.

[00:22:11] I laugh about that too Rhoberta I tease about it all the time somebody wants to be your life coach and they never did a damn thing in their entire life.

[00:22:21] They just popped out one day and said I'll be your life coach. You know and there are some wonderful coaches and I'm not denigrating coaches but at this point I say this because this is parallel so what you're saying about the Internet marketing world is please everybody knows the distinction between someone who has been through something and they will talk to you about what they went through and learn and somebody who has all the training and credentials and expertise and experience and they also have worked through it who can help you heal. One person will provide you with support on the path the other person can provide the support on the path and the healing of the path. Please please note that distinction.

[00:23:11] Yes and it's it's difficult because people are bombarded with things all day long and they just don't know who to believe. And it's it's more and more difficult because everybody on earth is getting into the game because it's the cost to get in there's almost nothing. I mean you have to have a Web site anymore you can just put up a Facebook group and then call yourself a guru and people don't know any better. So you really have to really be careful nowadays.

[00:23:41] I hope that they are careful. You know I have people come to me and because of my nitch and from my Canadian friends my niche. But You know that they have been to people repeatedly. They have they maybe are in a relationship with a hijackal. They hope that they can go to a professional who will see what they're talking about. See the difficulty they're in. And a person doesn't have the experience because it's a deep narrow niche And they don't see it. And what a hijackal will do is that they will manipulate exploit and seduce the professional into believing them and then their partner will be rewounded because the professional and the hijackal will have joined together against them. And that's not that's not decrying the profession. It's just Know that you need someone if you're in the situation you need someone who has been through it. I was raised by two hijackals. I married one I divorced one I co-parented one and I have all of the experience. I know what it feels like. I've been there done that. I have been nasty video and the very ragged T-shirt as well as knowing how to do it. So think of the thought And understanding I've been able to bring to writing my books and doing my work. And so when someone comes to me and I have clients all over the world because I work for video conferencing they know that they're going to get help they're not going to be taking a shot at I hope somebody will see what's happening to me. And you know there's no blame in this. People can't see it. They can't see it but they don't be damaged by going to someone that you really hope is going to see it and they're just not equipped to see it.

[00:25:48] Yeah that's that's you know when people are at a vulnerable stage that's even harder to make those distinctions. So yeah you've got to be real careful. Well we need to take a quick break for our sponsor message and then we come back. We're going to ask Roberto what's a typical day look like for her and how she stays motivated.

[00:26:08] Folks, do you know what colleges and universities are doing. According to gradeinflation.com they are raising grade point averages to make it look like they're doing a better job of teaching when there's a mountain of evidence that they aren't. I mean I really want you to watch the eye opening higher education webinar at screwthecommute.com/webinars to potentially save yourself and possibly your loved ones friends and neighbors hundreds of thousands of dollars of debt when you go for higher education. And this isn't just me because I've got my own vocational school. The people in this webinar are highly credentialed educational people that see what's going on and decided to expose it. So be prepared to be mad when you watch this webinar but it's really worth your 90 minutes to potentially save your mortgage and your house so that your kids can go party. Know one of the things they uncovered was the average student spends eight hours a week eight hours a week total preparing for class and going for class the rest of the time is eating and party. I don't think I'd want to mortgage my house for that. So check it out at screwthecommute.com/webinars.

[00:27:28] Yeah. You're a PhD person Rhoberta. But boy I'm really worried about the debt and stuff that's been thrust on these kids and then they're they're fighting for jobs at Starbucks.

[00:27:41] Absolutely I'm scared about it too. Because we have to have high accountability when we ask someone to pay a lot of money in order to be highly trained. It's just not a commodity it really is an in-depth situation. You have to investigate. I love what you said. I mean yes all of the people whether we're talking about this scam Brigade were there any of these. Look for integrity and look for results and do your homework.

[00:28:14] Exactly and this darn thing is as people have been brainwashed for years and years and years you gotta go to college you gotta go to college. And quite frankly I mean I was with college with a guy that he couldn't hardly read and write. He was just a big strong athlete. I mean 31 people in my freshman picture scholarship athletes only six of us graduated. You know it was just the big business make money for the school with being in bowl games and all that stuff. So this guy and this guy was a master woodworker when he finally flunked out. He went home and started a woodworking shop and it's the most beautiful stuff ever on Earth. College isn't for everyone. Yeah there's certain professions you have to do it but people really need to take a look nowadays and see. Does this make sense for myself for my kids to go there and like I said run up all this debt not really get something valuable out of it. So tell us what's a typical day look like for you and I know you speak so let's say when you're on the road what's it look like and then when you're home What's it look like.

[00:29:19] Ok. Erase that. I do not speak. I do not go anywhere I am at home. I gave that up in 2008. I don't mean to go anywhere. There is the Internet.

[00:29:32] Yes I know that.

[00:29:34] I'll keep doing anything sitting in comfortable chair.

[00:29:39] Do you do big groups using this method.

[00:29:42] Yeah well I see negotiations for the University of Texas at Dallas. Sometimes I'll have all my students on screen you know. Yes all of that. A typical day for me starts at seven o'clock. And so I have some quiet time then I will start by eight. I'll do marketing my responses maybe my podcast. I work on my business from 8 until noon then I take a two hour break to work on my health and then I see clients.

[00:30:26] So you mean exercise or that kind of thing.

[00:30:27] Yeah go for a walk. Whatever I need do On that particular day. And then clients after that because clients are in all time zone right. And I limit my work week to seeing only 15 clients a week so that works out well energetically for me and that's pretty much the way the whole week runs and I take two full days off a week.

[00:30:55] Good For you know how do people typically pay for this kind of work. I mean is it PayPal credit card or checks.

[00:31:06] Oh yeah. PayPal credit cards that's pretty much it. Occasional person wants to send me a check. It's all automated. I use security scheduling. It's all automated so I don't need a receptionist. I don't need anyone answering my phone. And all of the things on my Web site of course are taken care of by shopping carts and you know there is just no need. I have a couple of people on my team and then a couple of contractors that beyond that if I need something particular. But it's very simple.

[00:31:44] So when you say your team are they in-house or are they working or of their homes.

[00:31:50] No they work out of their home in different countries.

[00:31:55] There's nothing stopping that now for sure.

[00:31:59] Well I like to use Canadians because I am one.

[00:32:05] How do you stay motivated when you're by yourself. Do you like being by yourself. I kind of like being by myself but some people don't.

[00:32:12] I love it because I have time in my calendar set aside that when people can make time for when applied to a colleague I have a link in there that I can talk to them before one o'clock in the afternoon. So I will have face-to-face meetings through Zoom with colleagues. I have coffee with somebody or whatever. So there's no lack of social life.

[00:32:38] Coffee through Zoom. Is that what you said.

[00:32:38] Yeah. And people all over the world and I have an active social life of friends here and I go out a lot. So no I love. I love it. I I love just having that complete control over what's going on and the absolute opportunity to say yeah I do it for today. Oh no I don't have any problem at all doing it all alone. I quite enjoy it.

[00:33:10] I mean I'm totally with you that I'm just still cracking up over having coffee over zoom. Would you like some sugar. Oh yeah I would good go get it. So this it's been great catching up with you. Any thoughts we call them our screwballs any parting thoughts or people wanting to get in business or willing to improve their business.

[00:33:33] I think that people don't spend enough time getting their head clear about what it is their business is and exactly what problems it solves and aligning that with what floats their boat flips their skirt. Because if you really figured that out rather than coming from work and I make money where would I like to make my contribution to the world. And how can I make that the narrowest possible way to do it then your opportunity to find your market is so much clearer.

[00:34:15] Very well said by somebody that's been there and flip their skirt a lot over the years. Great Again great catching up with us give me your Web site again so they can go check out your books and it reads everything for sale on your Web site.

[00:34:38] It's all there on the Web site and that's forrelationshiphelp.com.

[00:34:48] We'll have that in the show notes. So Rhoberta thanks so much for coming on. We really appreciate. I'm glad to catch up with you. Hope to see you one of these days. Maybe we'll have coffee on zoom and for everybody else. Thanks for listening in. Make sure you download that podcast app at screwthecommute.com/app and check the show notes so you can get a hold of any book that's or several books of Rhoberta's that maybe could help you out in your relationships. So Thanks a lot. And we'll catch you all on the next episode.

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